"Dom, How do YOU feel about you?"

or How I was stunned-locked into silence for a minute or five when hearing that question.

For real… Like For REALLY reals… I have no fuckin’ idea.

The fact that my therapist, who I owe a lot to for trying undertake the herculean task of understanding the depth of me, asked me this and with all of the verboseness, with all of the possible “Snappy answers to Silly questions” kind of wit that I have grown to foster in my life, I was at a lost for words. Not the first time that it happened, but it is the first time that someone got it.

I made the whole quip of being akin to Data from The Next Generation, when being faced with his Evil twin brother, Lore, and told him about not having emotions. I have to have her watch that episode, since it feels like what I’ve been going through all of my life - Having people not understand me or my emotions. Not feeling seen in the eyes of family, friends, co-workers or strangers.

Honestly, I… have no fucking idea. I survived things in my life that would drive people to something harder to cope. I have dealt with things that I’m even surprised that I’m even standing. But the fact that I don’t have or can’t have an answer to this simple question is crazy to me.

I don’t even have a Simpsons quote to have at the ready for this kind of question. Shit, it’s something that I’ll be thinking on all week long.

Which is great, since I need to finally work on having mere adjectives on me, an amateur-ass amateur human being, since I always have words for other people, for different experiences, for things outside of myself. But never myself. Like DEEPLY into the unknown, unseen parts of myself.

Deadass, this is going to be me until our next session:

It’s kind of apt: me looking inwardly in a mirror, wondering “Who am I?”

I’m not a 90’s Adventure bear wondering about his worth in a world made in the 2010’s era, but you get the point.